Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
