U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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