i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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