He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
