I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
