Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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