I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
