wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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