It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
