what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
