Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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