if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
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I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
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Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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