My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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