So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
