so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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