Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
