my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
