If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
