We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
