I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
