why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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