We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
