When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
