please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
