We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
