In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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