Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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