I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
