Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
