I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
