my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
