i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
