we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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