someone get that fucking seahorse.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
