and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
