Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
