I bet he comes in French.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
