You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
