She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
