I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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