His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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