Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
