Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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