Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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