i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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