dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
