so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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