Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
