I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
