I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize