Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
