now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
