this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
try to milk me bitch
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