I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
