Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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