Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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