may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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