I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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