He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
