Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
