So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
